


survivor's guilt

by zosephzostar



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zosephzostar/pseuds/zosephzostar
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Kudos: 3





	survivor's guilt

Four o’clock, the bells play Ode to Joy. The sound muffles in my ears like a soft reminder. Will the music make me feel alive? Will the gut wrenching tenderness of a body that isn’t yours make me feel alive? I’m starting to realize only I can make myself feel alive; I’m trying to come to terms with that. 

I can’t tell if i still miss you. The sound of a sharpened blade sends me whizzing. You float with every dandelion seed I see. You died in the summer, before the leaves even turned. I keep telling myself I could’ve done something; could’ve called for you, could’ve been the one to take the edge. You were inches away when you left and I still could’ve done something. I’m in my head alone now. I can’t tell if the pain I feel is grief or envy or a complete loss of touch. You smiled on your last days, a rarity for you. You held your head high, fooling the whole world around you inside your glass menagerie. I couldn’t even force myself to go to your funeral. The thought of being touched at a time like that repulsed me. What happened to you repulsed me. Is it the memories of you that call me back, or the lure of death in that place? That battlefield is a symbol of grief now. The whole place is painted red for you. I can’t even say I miss you. It doesn’t feel like I’m missing anything anymore. 

Felix never quite told me what he was feeling. It was up to me to guess his state of being from a simple mannerism or a waiver of his voice. This was something I became acquainted with, as we grew together like ivy climbing the brick of a house built for two. Even with all the practice, I didn’t notice Felix wavering in his last moments. Even as his eyes fluttered shut; even as his blood drenched my palms like a christening, his body remained serene until his last breath. If I didn’t know otherwise, I might’ve thought he wanted it. He gave in so quickly, it was as if he had already decided on his own. Who am I to steal the only wish from the one I love? Wouldn’t it be just as selfish to let my own desire take part in his foreordained fate?

It’s been a month and I think I’m finally trying to unpack what happened. Trying to stop crawling into myself when the memories resurface. I want to start speaking them into existence. I can’t move on by erasing you. I can’t move on by writing you into pretty poems of elegy meant to appease a crowd. I need to move on with remembrance instead of regret. I’m the only one who can grieve you out of my head. I’m the only one who can remember you until you’re gone, and I’m trying to come to terms with that.


End file.
